he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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