my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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