i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
