Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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