he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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