So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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