the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
