There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
as a side note pls kill me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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