I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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