ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
