I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I forget how to act sober
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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