hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
