I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
that may or may not have been my penis.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
