Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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