Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The air was thick with penises
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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