This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
A bitchslap is in order.
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