hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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