I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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