I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
