I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
