if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
