I just saw a hot homeless man
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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