We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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