mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
