Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
