Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
