when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
