watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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