Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
