i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
