Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
