fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
