I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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