and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
