My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
