someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
