i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
