She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
