I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
