I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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