i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
