how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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