Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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