Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
