I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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