You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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