mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
