The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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