dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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