bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
