love makes seman taste better
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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You had me at "let me see your balls"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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