I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
