can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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