I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
