that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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