Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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